Wednesday, August 06, 2008

It's A Wonder We Can Even Feed Ourselves



There is a blank page and it is staring at me expectantly. It is rather difficult to find words when there is no one to look at them and respond to them and tell you how they feel about them. There was a time once when someone did that, when someone stared back with knowledge of words and writers and I suppose at the time he never really did say anything that brilliant. I suppose, if I really think about it objectively and not forgivingly and with pity and regret, that he rarely was able to say anything very distinctly, very definitively. And I made him purposefully into a hollow shell, a hidden ghost but then, suddenly, unexpectantly, he became a mocking, vibrant reality and he was there infront of me and I ran, afraid of crying, into the darkness. I returned and there was an empty chair to look back at me and instantly I regretted running. Instantly, I regretted pretending to smile, trying to smile despite such fear of a flood of feverish sobs. Perhaps it was my own lack from the beginning. Perhaps I expect so much of people and then they are afraid because they don't think they can live up to my expectations. But, maybe I set the same expectations for myself and that is why I think it is simple for other people to achieve them. I try so hard to write and to grow in writing that it was so foreign to me that someone who was as talented as he was could just be so lazy about it and never really finish anything. And I thought that I might help him, that I might give him feedback which was engaging and real and it would inspire him to write and to finish things. But, I painted myself into a corner and I lost the only person who ever understood how I feel about words. Though, I say that I lost him, it seems almost that I never really had him and I poured myself into the situation so openly and so honestly and so beautifully (until the end, when I got drunk and ugly) and that he never did once react the way that I wished he would. And I never did understand what he wanted from me.

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