Darling, What Can I Do?

I've got no real excuses for the 7 months that have passed since the last time I posted here. Perhaps it has to do with some unnamed gentleman who I began to associate with this whole online world and who I wished to and have (relatively) succeeded to forget. Time enough has passed, I think, that I can begin to make some attempt to write personally without having to associate it with someone from my past. I would like to say I was distracted by the new novella (En Route Thereto) which is still a work in progress. It is partly true. I would like to say that Fernando is living and breathing and making attempts at relationships but this is also only a half-truth. Really, it's all been so slightly hidden beneath the surface and if I had any guts at all I would resign myself to spending the whole day tomorrow writing and then going to the gym at night. I could also say that instead of writing I have been attempting to do something physical but that is not turning out the way I'd like. I've been mostly working and cleaning and cooking and trying to figure out how to get out of this country and where I shall go.

The mice are squealing in the walls and I can hear the babies cry for their mothers. They are loud and shrieking and when I try to rid the house of their filth and nuisance it just smells all over the place or causes me to have to be responsible for the killing and ridding of things. I do not want to kill things and I certainly do not want to have to pull their smushed skulls from the inside of a "humane" mousetrap. And so their squealing and crying and peeing and stinking persists.

It is hard to write in this form because it is hard to ascertain to whom I am addressing this blog-thing. I want to write free-style but I know how annoying it is to read people's blogs when they talk about things you have no connection to whatsoever and it all seems so personal that it lacks in a great deal of objectivity.

I'm trying to relearn to balance between personal and worldly, between what I want to say in this silly little thing and what people want to hear. I might need a few more days to get caught up. And I guess it will give me an excuse to take more photographs too- which I've been slack on. God, look at me: living in a filthy mouse den, not writing the way I want, not taking photographs the way I want, working out well and much more than usual but still not as much as I want. Geez, I guess that's Winter for ya. Funny how the first day it seems like Spring I write again. I suppose the whole world will open up again once I get a little sun.

Let's just hope.