Needlessly So.

I have had a rather unproductive day off and it makes me fear for four days in a row I will have off next week. I walked through the sticky heat of the city and thought about many things which I cannot change and many things which I can. The things I can't change bother me the most and I spend too much time trying to ascertain how I might be able to change them. I wandered through downtown Baltimore and up into Federal Hill. I swung for several hours on a swing at the top of Federal Hill and I was reminded of a swing in San Francisco which when you got to the highest point in the sky you could see the whole city.

I remembered the trip to San Francisco and how it was bright and glowing but still there were undercurrents of sadness and frustration. A bike ride across the Bay Bridge where I sat on the back of a tandem and did more staring out across the bay than peddling. A walk through the Redwood Forest where I saw someone I knew from high school and was so stunned that I can't even remember who it was right now. I remembered all sorts of little things from my past and I let them all well up inside me and spill out slowly and carefully. I might have cried if I wasn't listening to music the whole time and therefore distracted.

Sometimes, it's the little things which cause me the most pain. Sometimes, it's the mere hint of sad memories which send me into a spiral of uncontrolled emotion. And, right now in particular I am having a hard time not taking everything too seriously and not letting everything get lost beneath the weight of my silly emotions. Mercury is retrograde in Cancer and so people take things emotionally and seriously with little regard for reality.

Ah. Too much, too little.